Clarity

Today we received what we'd been praying for throughout this entire journey.  Clarity. 

We were so thankful that Irina was back.  She phoned us this morning and we arranged to meet her at 12:45p before being picked up at 1:30p to go to the orphanage. 

When she arrived at our room, Blake and I discussed how the last few days had been in her absence - particularly yesterday - and what our plan was to proceed.  Irina completely agreed.  In the previous 48 hours when she had been working on her other case, she had experienced all too well what can happen when communication is not as forthcoming as it could have or should have been.  Her other family was in the final steps of adopting a 15-year old girl.  Everything had gone well, including the initial court hearing.  However, after the mandatory 10 day waiting period before the final adoption decree, the girl had decided she did not want to be adopted and leave the country.  She had even been on a hosting trip and lived with the prospective parents over the summer, but she just did not want to leave Ukraine in the long run.  This did not go over well with the parents - at all - and Irina found herself in the middle of a very contentious situation.  The poor thing had been through the mill, but the experience served her well and she absolutely appreciated our approach.

So, our plan was in place to visit the girls and at the end of the visit have Irina have a heart to heart to see what the girls really wanted, and if they even knew what they wanted.  Again, we did not want our presence to take away from their feeling comfortable enough to say what they really felt.  We had discussed with Konstantin the option of having the girls come for a hosting trip if they were really on the fence and scared about making such a big decision and he said that he could arrange that.

So off to the orphanage we went.  Blake and I were still so tired from the previous days' emotions, but were also feeling relieved that at least we would hopefully have some clarity at the end of today's visit.

Our fun project for today's visit was coloring Easter eggs!  We had picked up a batch at the grocery store yesterday and asked the hotel if they could possibly boil them for us.  Turns out our sweet boutique hotel does not have a stove on premises, but the dear front desk staff offered to take them home and bring them back today, ready to go.  And they did.  So very kind, and absolutely refused the tip we tried to give them.  We truly have enjoyed staying at the Azania.  It's been like a little oasis during a very tenuous time.

Armed with my fabulous 99cent Target egg-coloring kit, we arrived at the orphanage at 2pm, as usual, and were escorted to the meeting room.  As we waited for the girls to arrive, we set up the eggs and kit so everything would be ready to go.  We only needed three cups of warm water for the different dyes, but the area of the orphanage that we were in only offers cold water.  One of our favorite staffers left to try to fetch warm water from another part of the building. 

The girls arrived within a minute and it was nice to see them.  Karina was not as excited as she'd been for our earlier visits, but at least she didn't look as as sullen as yesterday.  Victoria was her usual affectionate self.  We sat down at the table and showed them all the different things they could do to decorate the eggs -- dyes, stickers, markers, a "magic" crayon (that, if you use it to write on the egg before dipping it in dye, that part of the egg won't be dyed), etc.  Big fun!  Except the water wasn't back yet.  Luckily, we had brought the fantastic marker set and a Scooby Doo coloring book also.  The girls started coloring and the water came shortly.  We put the dye tablets into the water and waited for them to dissolve.

Karina and Victoria loved coloring the eggs!  They had so much fun with all of the decorating options and we all (Irina, the staff, Blake and I) enjoyed watching them have so much fun.  It was a much easier and more joyful day than yesterday had been.  Finally, at least an hour had passed and it was time for us to go.  Our plan was to have Blake and I leave to go "get something in the car" so Irina could have her heart to heart with the girls.  We picked up our things and said we'd be back.

On our way out, I asked Blake to stop so I could use the restroom.  I use that term broadly.  I needed him to stand by the door because there was no lock and I didn't want anyone coming in.  At least it wasn't a ceramic "hole in the ground", which I had had to use a few times on this trip; but it was a commode without a seat and no toilet paper, water from the sink, or paper towel.  I had learned to come prepared, though, and always traveled with kleenex and purell.  I was not in there for more than a few minutes when I heard Irina's voice outside the door.

I stepped out into the hall and Blake said to me, "they don't want to leave."  Then Irina looked at me and said, "the girls knew immediatiely what I was going to ask and they told me very decisively that they like you very much, but they want to stay here.  Their mother and grandmother are here, and other family, and they do not want to leave."  Wow.  Well, that didn't take long.  There's my clarity.

Blake and I had brought all of the games and gifts and candy that we had brought for the kids at the orphanage as well as all the games we had played with the girls (including two stuffed "Easter puppies", one pink and one purple, that I'd yet to give them) and had placed them in the trunk of our car, just in case this very thing happened.  We wanted to be sure there was closure, both for us and for the girls.

We took the big bag of things and walked back to the meeting room.  The girls were waiting for us.  I was eerily calm and made sure I had a big smile on my face.  I didn't want Karina or Victoria to sense my sadness and feel bad at all for their decision.  We showed them the things we had brought for the kids and showed them the huge coloring books and markers and "Operation" that we wanted them to keep.  I also gave them each an Easter puppy.  We told them how much we enjoyed meeting them and that they were wonderful girls.  They came to hug us and Victoria gave me such a long, wonderful hug.  She gives great hugs!  Then we "switched" girls.  Karina had been hugging Blake and I noticed a tear rolling down her cheek.  I gave her a huge hug and she just started crying.  Of course, that was it for me and I couldn't hold back my tears.  I took her face in my hands and looked her in the eyes and said "that's okay, it's okay", and kissed her on the forehead.  We all walked out into the hallway toward the main entrance.  Victoria and I walked out arm and arm.  In the main hall, we bid our final goodbyes to the girls.  We assured them it was okay, we were okay, and we only wanted for them to be happy.  They walked away, to their room, and Blake and I paced in the hall to collect ourselves. 

Irina needed to speak with the orphanage director to give her the news.  The director asked us into her office.  She warmly asked if we were upset, as I'm sure she noticed my eyes, and we told her that, of course, we were sad, but that our true desire was for the girls to be happy and that we did not want to adopt them if they didn't want to be adopted.  Blake said it was about them, not about us.  She told us that sometimes the children just want to stay near where their family is.  She also said she was very happy to have met us and to have had us at the orphanage.  We reiterated how impressed we were with the orphanage and what an excellent job she does and thanked her for her hospitality. 

On the ride back to the hotel, my mind was kind of cluttered and racing, going over all of the events that had led us to this particular place and time.  Blake and I had and have been through a lot on our long, tumultuous journey toward parenthood.  We had always had a united front in how we were to proceed and had decided together, back at home, that this "adventure" to Ukraine was going to be our swan song in our quest for parenthood, regardless of how it ended.  We also realized very clearly while we've been in Ukraine that we were going to be "placing all of our chips" into this particular adoption.  It would be possible for us to return to Kiev for another appointment with the SDA to look through the 6-10 files of children they would choose to present to us, but I honestly do not know how anyone would have the stamina for that after going through the emotional whirlwind of what we've been through.  I certainly know that we don't.

To be frank, we did not come to Ukraine because we were "desperate" to be parents.  We wanted to be parents.  We were open to and embracing of being parents.  But we have a great life, let's face it.   Parenthood to the right kids would have simply been icing on the cake.

We came to Ukraine because we felt led to be here.  Because, through a series of events, we felt called by God to step out in faith and put ourselves in the position to be here as His instruments to do with us as He chose.  We knew, if it was His will, that those "right kids" would be presented to us.  Throughout this week, we felt strongly that those kids were Karina and Victoria.  But now we know that is not the case.

For as long as I can remember I have prayed and prayed for healthy, happy children.  Then, in the last few years, God has redirected my heart and I have since been praying and praying for peace and clarity regarding parenthood.  Before we left for this trip, I felt a strong sense of peace that I would receive my answer here in Ukraine (only God knows why Ukraine- lol!).  I have felt very strongly that regardless of the outcome of our trip, I could finally let my quest for parenthood end.  I could be at peace knowing that we had done absolutely everything asked of us and have stepped out with courage in the direction we felt God was leading us.  (Incidentally, Blake had felt at peace a long time ago, but it's a testament to his faith and his love for me that he was not only willing, but eager, to take this Big Ukrainian Adventure with me.  I am beyond blessed to have him as my husband.)

We will be flying home tomorrow morning, leaving Donetsk at 9:20am and, after stops in Kiev and London, arriving in Chicago at 8:10pm.  If all goes well, we will be home before 10pm.  It will be good to be home.

At dinner tonight, Irina and Blake and I shared a bottle of wine.  We were so grateful to have had Irina with us through this journey, especially today.  She is very good at what she does and she flattered us by saying that we had done everything "right".  She said that it was obvious how much the girls cared for us but that it was also very clear that they wanted to stay here.  She said it was very gratifying to work with such "good people".  Ditto.

Before we drank our wine, Blake proposed a toast:  "To Karina and Victoria, may they live a healthy and blessed life." 

To Karina and Victoria, we're going home tomorrow but there will always be a tiny piece of our hearts left here with you.

Thank you, God, for the clarity.  Soon enough, I know there will be peace.

xo